Spoons

Soooooo...I'm an idiot dressed up in smart mommy clothing. In my feeble attempts to capitalize on *E*'s already fiercely independent, and determined spirit, I have always spurred her on with words of encouragement when trying to do something. Trying to hold her bottle: "G'head ma! You can do it! Hold that bottle!" Telling me what she wants: "Show mama what you want. Show me which one. Point to it. Point to it." and when learning to feed herslef: "Get it girl! You don't need mama's help. You can do this all by yourself!" - and in this last task is where I have essentially screwed myself out of youthful good looks, and added at LEAST 10 silver stragglers to my head.

Now don't get me wrong...I LOVE that *E* is such a fighter. This is going to carry her farther than even MY wildest dreams. HOWEVER, she is supposed to use her fighting powers FOR GOOD, not to ensure that mommy will have to paint the walls and replace the carpet upon move-out. It is INSANE the places that I find food. But that ain't even the half...in addition to flinging food EVERYWHERE, she outright refuses to let me feed her. UUUMMMM.....can someone PLEASE tell me what a 2 year old knows about REFUSING something??? Oh and it can't just be a simple head shake....nope....little miss has to be dramatic about it - like she's the next Erica Kane. If I'm tryin to feed her and she is feelin like "No ma, I got this", she will karate chop my hand away. She will take the spoon OUT of my hand and literally THROW IT across the room. And if she is feeling ESPECIALLY independent that day, any bit of food I manage to get into her mouth will end up on her bib. HOW? *E* will literally put her chin to her chest and push the food out of her mouth with her tongue, and then stick her spoon in my face as if to say "This is the last time, chic. I'M.FEEDING.MY.SELF. PERIOD."

SERIOUSLY?? SERIOUSLY????

Yeah....my girl's a trip...slowly trying to kill me...or perhaps she's trying to teach me something. Captain CP has greatly affected her skills and development, but she never gives up. She never stops trying and will literally yell at her left arm until it does what she wants it to do. *E* will go and go and go until she reaches her goal, and then beam proudly over her accomplishment. However I, and most others out there, are quick to settle for "almost there" or "good enough", if we even bother to try at all. There is nothing hindering us physically, cognitively, or emotionally - yet we simply STOP TRYING. So, I'm gonna take a page from the handbook of Miss *E*, and simply TRY. I will TRY to make my dreams come true, and will try with everything I have until I see my name on a book cover and I'm reading to a packed audience. I will TRY to lose 100 pounds over the next year, and won't stop until back fat is something I cook with, and not something I try to hide by adjusting my bra. And lastly, I will try to be the absolute best mommy that I can be for *E*, starting with letting her teach me a thing or two about determination at the dinner table.

E + ME + NEW SCHOOL = NO SLEEP

So....It's 3:20 a.m. and though I should be sleeping (since I feel like God knows what from who knows where), I can't even muster up a ten second BLINK. *E* starts at a new school tomorrow and my mind is runnin' faster than a hamster on crack. Everytime I close my eyes I have this...like..like...mommy schizophrenia....a million mommy voices nagging me all at once. Is she gonna like it? Will the other kids be kind to her? Will the teachers actually live up to all the hype they spoon fed me and I lovingly and willingly swallowed down? Will they be sensitive to her need to hold her own spoon, talk herself to sleep, and have her diaper changed immediately if she poops during mealtime? Will they include her in music time? In learning time? In water play time?

You see where I'm going here, right? It's a quick trip to crazy town at this rate. You would think my kid went to shool with CHUCKY with some of the insanity (hilarity?) that goes on in my brain sometimes. But you know...I try to play it really cool in front of my other mommy friends...Sometimes I'll be all like "Yeah, *E* is rockin' it out at daycare! She is lovin' it like a fat kid (or mommy, in this case) loves cake!". But what the other cool mommies don't know is that I regularly "pop in" to *E*'s daycare on a weekly basis, and though I tell the teachers it's just to say "hi" and love on her a bit, I'm secretly checking her for bruises, scratches, and watery 'I've just been crying' eyes. Horrible, I know. I KNOW! I totally know that she's fine when she's there because we have been blessed with a particular teacher that took the time to know and love my *E*. But as a mommy, I just can't help it. I wish I could point my finger at Captain Cerebral Palsy (that's the nickname I gave her disability because in a lot of ways, CP has made superheroes out of us both) and say "Youuuuuu!!! You are the one making me act like a crazed lunatic!". But unfortunately, I can not. I have good old XX to thank for that one, and I don't mean soft porn. The fact that I'm a woman...the fact that I'm a mommy....the fact that I'm *E*'s mommy is what has me staring bleary eyed into the popcorn ceiling above me, watching the fleeting thought "I hope they're not crazy enough to try to give her popcorn tomorrow" race through my brain, and cursing the clock as it does a turtle sprint towards 6:30.

*E* starts a new school tomorrow, and mommy will be too far for a "just stopping by to say hi" lie....Damn.....