Five Steps To Insanity

As parents (though I think mostly, as MOMS), there are things that drive us absolutely INSANE. Things that our kids and significant others do that make us briefly question their necessity to our lives. Ok, well maybe that's extreme, but they certainly make us question the number of working brain cells. They also make us question our doctors when they tell us they can't up our dosage of Xanax.

So in honor of all mom's teetering on the brink of putting the kids, husband, and family pet in a large box and shipping them all to Istanbul for a few quiet, glorious days, I have comprised a list. A list of things that sometimes drive ME to toss back a bottleglass of wine or three at the end of a long day. Hopefully you will realize that you, my mommy friend, are in good company. Or perhaps just confirm for me that I'm not crazy. It's them.

1. Almost breaking my ankle because I have tripped YET AGAIN over a size 12 pair of Nike's left RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of the living room. Apparently the five extra steps to take theme off in our bedroom was just entirely too much.

2. Finding the toilet paper roll EMPTY, and a brand new roll sitting on top of the tank, on the sink next to the toilet, IN the sink, or on the floor next to the toilet. REALLY??? Was the crap leaving your ass with such speed that you just couldn't get the roll on the holder fast enough?? It was? Oh. Well that sounds like a personal problem. But how about when you were done? Couldn't put the roll on then either huh?

3. Having cleaned the ENTIRE kitchen after dinner, it's spotless, and then you wake up in the morning to crumbs on the stove and a plate and butter knife in the sink. And the bread on the counter - open. It is at that point when all the sharp objects in MY kitchen become very VERY appealing.

4. Looking forward to getting a glass of juice only to find that someone has left the portion equivalent of ant piss in the bottle, and placed it back in the refrigerator. Seriously, I have no words to describe the amount of irritation this causes. NO. WORDS. And it happens with EVERYTHING. Potato chips, lunch meat, cookies, string cheese...FOOD IN GENERAL.

5. Hearing the following words 8 MILLION TIMES A DAY: Babe, have you seen my (fill in the blank). Mom, I can't find my (fill in the blank). It's enough to make me wanna change me name to "Don't ask me another damn question because if you had just put your crap away like I told you to, you would be able to find it" Nelson. Seriously.

So...there's my top five. I am sure if I sat here long enough I could come up with plenty more. However, I don't have that luxury. Someone is calling me because they can't find their toothbrush. REALLY??? Your TOOTH-BRUSH?? Maybe it got tossed in the trash after it was found IN THE SINK, next to the BRAND NEW ROLL of toilet tissue that just didn't quite make it's journey to the holder.

Jussayin'.