Roly Poly Resolutions

Yea yea yea...its 2k12, and as of 4 days ago millions of people all over the world made resolutions. The momentarily significant, often short-lived promises we make to ourselves. I will quit smoking this year, starting today (as you reach for another Marlboro light). This will be the last time I sleep with someone on the first date (as you mouth the words "call me", and head out for the first Shacker Walk of Shame of the New Year). Don't feel bad if you have already broken your resolutions - it shows you are consistent and predictable. Two great traits for relationships and the workforce. Of course, you can't smoke on the job, and you'll never HAVE that relationship if you live in first date/last date lala land, but hey, I'm just sayin'.

Now, don't think that because I am kind of giving resolutions the finger that I haven't made any myself. Sure I have! The same one I make every.single.year.

This year, I will lose weight. And keep it off. And if that means that small children may die if they eat a donut in front of me, so be it. I will be a skinny bitch no matter what. Yep. Same resolution. Every year. And every year, I break the damn thing by day TWO. I mean really, you don't take a recovering alcoholic to a bar on the second day of their recovery. Why would take a foodie to the cupcake shop?? So really, it's not my fault that I never succeeded. I was sidelined by well meaning skinny friends.

However, this year is different. There is a new attack on us big girls, and I gotta admit - it's working. But it's also kinda succeeding at annoying the hell out of me - however well intentioned and motivational it is supposed to be. We've all seen the new commercial with skinny Jennifer Hudson singing to big Jennifer Hudson. Come ooonnnnnnn! REALLY? Formerly fat girls please answer me this - DO YOU PULL OUT PICTURES OF YOUR FORMER SELF NOW THAT YOU'RE SKINNY AND SING TO THEM??? Yeah. Didn't think so. In her honor though, I made up a song too. But it's just for me.

Rolly Poly Thunder Thighs
Can't fit my jeans
I'm gonna cry....

Hahahahahaha....Seriously though...Most of us hide those pictures away, never to be seen again. I, for one, have no intention of singing to ANY part of me when I get skinny. Last time I did that my ass surpassed round and jumped straight to rotund. Damn Sir Mix Alot and his "Baby Got Back" crap. I just wanted a little bit o'back.

Then there's the Mariah Carey commercial for Jenny Craig. Now, this commercial kinda makes me laugh. Mariah is singing "You Can Make It" while wrapped in some windblown black fabric. The fabric covers her tata's, and her hips. Everything else - out. Now, Ms. Carey just had twins some months ago, and homegirl blew up - as well she should have. She was carrying two - not one but TWO gorgeous babies in that belly. So please don't think I'm knocking her for gaining baby weight. I looked like a beached whale in heels by five months into my pregnancy, so please. But here's my thing. I'm not so sure she's made it yet. I think she's airbrushed. I think the wind is strategically pushing the fat back. I think the material she's wearing is well placed, and pinned in the right areas. I think she has a body double for the commercial. I think she got bigger girls for the commercial so she looks smaller.

I think I'm full of shit.

Don't you?

Let's face it. JHud and Mariah look A-MAAAAAAAZING! And they worked their asses off to get there. They put down the chocolate cake. They went the opposite way when they saw Wing Stop (mmmm....wiiinnnngggsss). They DIDN'T snatch the cookie out of their babies hand in a mad sugar craze. They persevered, and now they want to help the rest of us. That's nice. Thank you Jennifer Hudson. Thank you Mariah Carey. I hope to one day join the ranks of girls who don't look like they just had a baby/are still pregnant/just ate the fridge.

Until then, I'll just keep logging my food in my trusty food journal, and stare longingly at my used-to-be-skinny jeans.

Pass the ice cream. And the remote. That commercial is on again.


*author's note: I AM NOT SKINNY. I AM NOT PICKING ON BIG GIRLS. I.AM.A.BIG.GIRL.TOO. MY JEANS HAVEN'T SEEN SINGLE DIGITS ON THE LABEL SINCE JUNIOR HIGH, SO PLEASE DON'T CHEW ME OUT OR CALL ME INSENSITIVE. I POKE FUN AT MY LIFE. IF YOU'RE OFFENDED, PERHAPS YOU SHOULD TRY POKING SOME FUN AT YOUR OWN LIFE TOO. MAKES THINGS MORE INTERESTING. AND BEARABLE.