Gap Be Gone: A Tribute To My Mother

If you know me, you know that I'm a mushy girl. I love a good rom-com, I absolutely believe in love at first sight, and I think the scene in "The Last of The Mohicans" where John Alexander tells Cora "I will find you!", is hands down one of the most romantic and loving moments in movie cinema history. One thing you ALSO know if you know me, is that even though my mother drives me to the edge of insanity sometimes, and has me standing in the aisles of BevMo pondering over the calorie content of vodka vs. gin, I love her to no end. She is a fascinating, complex mixture of book knowledge and ditziness. Human kindness and cobra venom. She can be the punchline of a dumb blonde joke, and she can walk you step by step through open heart surgery with her eyes closed. No lie. She once tutored a struggling nursing student while "resting her eyes". AND WAS SPOT ON. This woman is definitely someone to think twice about. She can make you feel all warm and gushy inside, and cut you down with a look so fast you will be reduced to the fetal position and thumb sucking in two seconds flat. As the recipient of said looks, I guarantee you, this is no exaggeration. Lastly, you also know that I am not a crier. It has to be something just BEYOND devastating/touching/earth shattering for me to rain from my face.

HOW-EV-ERRRRRRRR, yesterday I made an exception.

My mom is awkwardly and stunningly beautiful - at the same time. She does not have Ford Model looks. She's not leggy (although she does have legs that can stop traffic - seen it happen), she's not blonde (in theory), and my favorite part....she has a way less than perfect smile. Well....she HAD. My mom had buck teeth that led to RELENTLESS teasing as a kid (little bad ass kids - can be so cruel!), and a GAP. Models may have gaps, but they don't have buck teeth AND a gap. My mom had BOTH. And she was stunning. She had a smile that stretched from ear to ear, and could light up a dark closet at midnight. I remember sitting on the toilet as a kid (just sitting - NOT using...gutterheads), watching her put her makeup on and thinking "wow....my mom is so pretty...I hope I look like her someday". Then in junior high never wanting her to come to school because a:I knew I would be in for a major ass whoopin' if she saw me wildin' out like a fool with no common sense, and b:I didn't want my crushes to see her. In my juvenile, pre-pubescent mind, my crushes would take one look at her and fall instantly in love, and I would never have a chance. Of course, at age 12 the notion that you never had a chance to begin with, and your mom is not a chester doesn't pop into your head. All you think is "she's gonna steal my not-yet man".

My mom used to tell me all the time that I was beautiful. Never believed her because....I have a gap too. And how could someone with a gap like mine be beautiful. SHE was beautiful. But definitely not me. I was......cute...at best...on a good day...wearing my best bra and highest heels...and mascara. Yeah...THEN I was cute...but my mom...she was stunning. Because she accepted herself. Short stature, big booty, and gap tooth grin...she took it allllll in an easy, stop and stare stride. And eventually, as I grew older, I began to accept myself too. And my good bra. And my highest heels. (Hey - I still need a little help...) But I accepted my gap tooth grin, and learned to say "thank you" when people complimented me on my smile. Learned to laugh AND insult at the same time when I would hear the age old comment "You know what they say about a girl with a gap?"....and I would respond with "Easier to floss after she bites your pecker off!". That always left them a little dumbfounded. But it left me feeling giddy. My point is I.learned.to.love.my.gap. Because my mommy loved hers. Her acceptance of her gap helped me to accept mine. She always thought she was beautiful, so I thought I was beautiful. People always told me that I look just like her. So if she's gorgeous, so am I.

And then it happened. She got dentures. With no gap. The gap was gone. And for me, the one thing that (in my mind) made my mom the MOST beautiful, was gone too. I was (shockingly) devastated. And all of a sudden the girl who doesn't cry was a bumbling, rainy faced fool in the middle of the dentist's office. If she didn't have her gap, where would that leave me? I have always based my self acceptance on my mom's ability to accept herself. I always listened when she told me I was beautiful JUST THE WAY I WAS. I amy not have BELIEVED her, but I listened. And I thought SHE was beautiful too. JUST THE WAY SHE WAS. But now, she's different. So what does that make me? What do I do? I feel weird. My mom being ok with her gap, made me ok with mine. But then my mom told me that was never really OK with her gap. She had merely learned to live with it. It was something she had just learned to accept. But she had never really been O.K.

That's when I realized...

It wasn't my mother's teeth that made her beautiful. It wasn't even her ability to "learn to live with it" that made her beautiful. It was her determination to ensure that I would always see MYSELF as beautiful, REGARDLESS of what mean junior high boys (and catty junior high girls) said. She knew that if she portrayed herself as not ok with ANY part of her, I would not be completely ok with who I AM. And so she laughed way out loud, and all her teeth showed. She smiled wide for pictures, and never gave a glimpse of insecurity. And therefore, she was beautiful. Stunningly, graciously, simply, beautiful.

And she still is. Gap be gone. She still is.