Praying for Peace in Target

Oh Target, how I love thee...let me count the ways.....
1. Your "market bazaar" area is divine...I could accessorize my entire home in this section
2. Your baby/toddler clothes are a-dorable! And a-ffordable
3. Starbucks. Need I say more?

etc. etc. etc....

I love Target. Much like most women in the world, it is almost impossible for me to leave without getting SOMETHING! Target is fun! It's affordable! It's....a sanctuary. If you are able to get away from the kid(s) for an hour or so, Target is a small haven. A cheap spa. A prayerful retreat away from home.

"Lord, if you let these jeans fit, I promise to never eat another cheesecake bite again."

"Please be on sale. Please be on sale. PLEASE GOD, LET THIS BE ON SALE!"

"Dear sweet baby Jesus, I really need the total to NOT be over $100 this time.....HALLELUJAH! $99.50!"

See, it's prayerful.

Target is like....church. You go....you get food for your soul (fashion, beauty, music - it all makes you feel good - just like church), you sing along (who doesn't press the buttons on those "sample cd" music boxes, to preview the music), and you give an offering (your total is $99.99, ma'am). You wanna know how else Target is just like church???

There's always some screaming/crying/kicking/cussing kid whose mom absolutely REFUSES to remove the kid from the holiest of holy places. ALWAYS. This kid, like the kid in church, makes it difficult to focus (microfiber sheet set or shabby chic? Egyptian cotton??), embarrasses the hell out of his mom (because everyone is now staring at her, and her evil spawn who apparently hasn't gotten his daily dose of "act right"), and drives you into a manic craze, during which time you become a mere shadow of your former self and begin to shoot daggers at the kid and his mom. Slowly, you move closer to said mom, and when you finally can't take it any longer you lean over to the kid and tell him Santa is watching and isjust about to cross his name off the "good" list. Or perhaps you recant a story OUT LOUD, TO NO ONE IN PARTICULAR, about how if you had acted that way in public when you were a kid, your mom would have snatched you bald and dared you to even BREATHE loudly - hoping to give the haggard Target mom some ideas.

What, you've never done that? Shame on me, because I sure as hell have. Maybe I'm out of line. But don't even think for one second that I don't know that you (yes you, the one reading this as she sips her coffee and listens to her own name being repeated over and over again by her needy 2/3/4 year old (yes, your name IS 'mommy', and yes, it has been said 10,326 times in the last 30 minutes), have thought the same thing, or even wanted to DO the same thing. The only difference between you and me is that I HAVE. And I will probably do it again. Because like church, I like my Target experience to be a holy, sacred shopping experience. And I know everyone else does too.

Now, if you're the mom whose kids began getting their daily doses of "act right" from day one, KUDOS TO YOU!!! I LOVE YOU! YOU ARE A SAINT! Well not really, but you are highly regarded in the church of Target, and we, the congregation, will always pass by and smile, remarking on how well behaved your children are. In the church of Target, you could possibly be a Deacon.

For you mom's who missed out on the "act right" class, here's a crash course.

1. Before you even leave the house, make it known that the shopping trip is NOT for them, it's for YOU. Don't ask for anything. Don't touch anything. Don't even LOOK at anything. Keep your eyes closed the whole time.

2. Add the consequence. "If any one of the above rules is broken, we will leave Target IMMEDIATELY, go straight to the post office, and I will ship you to a small village in Cambodia. Or Antarctica. Whichever shipping costs less." Add the words "Think I'm playin?" to the end of this statement for added effect.

3. Make the kid repeat it back to you. This way YOU know that THEY know the rules, and the consequences.

4. When the kiddo loses his mind in Target, (because he will) leave and drive straight to the post office. Yes, he will be freaking out, but he will realize you mean business. Now obviously, you are NOT going to ship your kid off to another country! DO NOT DO THIS!! (I probably don't have to say that, but you know, there's always that ONE parent....) However, I think your kid needs to know that there is a possibility that you could be just a tad bit off. It makes them think twice about forgetting their "act right".

5. And lastly, if at all possible, just don't bring them. Take time for you. Let Target become YOUR sanctuary too! Leave the kiddo(s) with dad, grandma, auntie, neighbor, SOMEONE WHOSE NAME IS NOT 'MOMMY'. They won't die.

However, my looks might kill you if I hear your kid hollerin' one more time, while I'm all the way across the store praying to the kitchen towel gods.

HAPPY SHOPPING!!